life be good :)

life keeps changing, and i'm crap about keeping a journal.

however, I seem to do it on a semi regular basis, as i discovered... found my old livejournal that i was keeping when I was married, and lo and behold this blogger thingy lets me make posts in the past. pretty darn cool, isn't it? if you want to see the old me, check out the 2001 archive.

oddly enough, alot of it is still me. even though i totally disagree with some of what i was thinking then, i also see more why i made some of the choices i did. the pain was such a part of me then, i think, that i had to deal with it strongly. now, its still there if i go near it - it hasnt been dulled by time, unfortunately thats not really me, part of me being me i think is the timelessness of some things - but i'm more shielded from it.

I dont live my life close to that flame.

i live my life as something so much healthier. i live the life of my dreams, dreams i didnt know i had. where i'm supposed to be.

its such a difference. the place, the people, my focus, my passion... i have found my passion. and its not something amazing... to the world, perhaps. "when i grow up i want to be a project manager" is where I'm at right now, because i feel the life of it, the invigorating challenge, the interest, the complexity, the multitude of responsibility and problem solving and adapting that truly answers me at where I am.

it may not be everything i've ever dreamed of being... but it matches me. God is much much smarter than I, I'll tell you that much.

oh and I had a truly awesome thanksgiving, and i got to spend money today :P materialistic as it sounds, its really nice to not be broke and have the ability to spoil yourself.

life be good :)

posted by Seamaire  @ 11:47 PM 0 comments  

i am greiving

and i feel like a stranger in a place that was once home.

sometimes i feel these outer shells we've built up, these suspicions, walls, rough edges, sensative places... we let them keep our souls apart. we let them beat love.

did you ever truly believe tht i loved you with all my heart? tht i still do?

i weep.

for the drama i got caught up in. that you did.
for the people who we listened to more t han each other
for the fears that took precidence, for the need for independance.

when was i happiest?

i was happiest when i was with you. one look i remember so clearly, glancing at me when you were smoking on your balcony after i'd beat you at poker... the caring when you thought you'd let the sounds of the game you were playing awaken me. simply being with you. not even having to say anything at all. being totally safe.

i wanted nothing more than that, the rest of my life. so simple. being able to be with you. to discover who you were, no one else was ever as facinating to me. the calm. the intelegence. the gentleness. the morals.

i keep trying to let you go, to distance myself, but the quietest part of me loves you. found someone it could love in you. every part of me loved you. i feel like you are my soulmate.

and its not all my fault, its not all your fault, but as much as i try, its the same as its been for me since i met you. i dont want anyone else. with anyone else i would be faking it.

and so i grieve.

i was never as at home as i was when i was with you. never as able to be me. and i'm not that good at being me. i'm good at being me mixed with the world i'm in, but i'm not good at unmixing all the safeguards and equasions and just being me. i'm not good at stepping back from all that and just being me.

but i'm going to try.

posted by Seamaire  @ 12:52 PM 0 comments  

the secret to tightrope walking is not looking down

is it odd to feel safer among strangers than among friends?

i'm not sure. i think its cuz i care about what friends think. some would say i care too much about what other peopl think, at 2:40am thats probably true, especially really relaly relaly fucking tired.

but what about people who were close, who you thought knew you.

and when they pull stuff, you think its cuz they know you and they should know better but they dont care..

maybe they dont know. i dont know. maybe they thought things were cool with you and they could be THEMselves but the two selves... crashed.

and maybe i should fucking sleep, cuz i'm at that stage where you want to sleep but you're nauseous and headachey and its cuz your body should be asleep but your minds awake and... ok yeah, finest prose ever written. ever.

fuck it. cant even blame it on drugs :P nite.

posted by Seamaire  @ 2:42 AM 0 comments  

silent treatment

talking to you is like talking to a god
the silence is deafening
i have been in your temple
i have drunk the water there, and found it sweet
but now, you bar my entrance

i am not pure enough to come inside
what will the rites of purification entail?
time, most likely
full submission?
is what it feels like you want
is what it feels like is the only thing
that would prove to you
that i'm safe
but that would be a lie
i cannot be your worshiper

i must be equals with my lover
for i am a goddess too, as much
as you are a god
and my heart is a wild thing
in full taming, it would be broken
and cease to be me
until i slipped away
again
to find my breath

you are as fierce as i am
and as vulnerable
and as gentle
but you have locked yourself away
from me

perhaps you merely forgot
to reopen the door
perhaps you expect me
to know i can come in
perhaps you'e waiting for me
to realize it will be forever locked
perhaps you just need time
to see if you can trust me again
perhaps i forgive
more quickly than you can

i do not know
the silence is deafening.

posted by Seamaire  @ 9:43 AM 0 comments  

The best GD gaming advice I've ever gotten

Saving for future reference :)

"You have to ask yourself why you play. I learned a long time ago, playing MMORPG being a giving person, and expecting some sort of gratitutde, and/or reciprication will eat you up. It will never come to your liking. Be nice because it makes you feel good, or you enjoy it, or your trying to gain some mental advantage, but do it for you, do not expect reciprication, because if it does not come it will hurt. Play how you like, because you want it, not because others expect it from you, or because you expect it of them... make yourself happy first and foremost, thats all you can control. You cannot control how others act, so control what you can to be happy."

posted by Seamaire  @ 8:41 AM 0 comments  

And the thing is...

They say that out of every suffering, there is something to be learned.

And I'm hurting. I feel like half my soul is missing right now. And part of me would give anything to keep that from happening.

But I didn't.

Although I have had moments of weakness.

But if I look at why I am here, from my side - because, since you only control your own actions, focusing on what you've done and why is how you actually learn - I find that the reasons come from budding strengths, not weaknesses. Incompletely expressed, but undenyably present.

And I'm suffering. But I'm learning. And I love myself for who I am becoming.

And one of the undenyable things here is that I also love you. I can rail against it, I can try to deny it - hell, I spent months at first denying it, there've been times lately when i've hurt when i've thought I can cut him out and stop loving him and i'll be fine. And i've been able to do it with other people, but the person i've grown into cant do it. I can try and find people to replace you, and part of me has done that too. But thats not the point. The point is not to try and find someone who will make me feel good, or someone else to complete me.

The point is that I can be complete in and of myself without anyone else.

The point is that I can love you for who you are without having to believe that everything you do is acceptable.

Because I have found that, besides love, I need other things. And there is no weakness in that. The weakness would be denying who I am in order to satisfy some short-term problem, and I know the you that is in you who is my friend - past pride, past anger, past these childish little tiffs - my friend would not want me to give up who I am.

Anymore than I would want him to give up who he is, even if that means this space. Because our personal integrety, nurturing who we are as separate, priceless, valuable human beings - has got to be the bedrock of anything else. It is better to be separate and whole than to be in a relationship that would deny those wholes. Because that is not love. And that is not friendship. And that would waste both our time.


I need to be respected, and i need to be shown respect. Not just "well of course you should know I respect you". And not the "oh my god you're so awesome what can i do to make you happy" either. But just that simple underlying current of respect that we should not betray even when we're angry and know how to hurt the other.

Do I respect you? One hell of alot. Do I always act like it? No. Especially when I'm angry. Or when I feel trapped. And its wrong for me to treat you with anything less than respect. And I'm sorry for any time I have. This is a place I need to grow.


I need to be treated with consideration. I need to not be taken for granted. And one of the things I've noticed lately is that I think we may have different concepts of that. And it may be something that is, in the end, the roadblock to anything further between us. Or it may be something to look at and say, lets work on this. But I want to be thanked. Not because I want you to laud me, but because part of giving is communication. And I know, I give alot, and you dont ask for it - but I want to know your reaction.

Think of it as an experiment. I want you to be happy, and if I give you a gift, its to increase your joy in life. A thank you a) lets me know you got the gift, and b) lets me know if it was successful. And I can't ask you to always promise, because we're both forgetful people. I have moments when i get something you give me and I'll think omg this is awesome thank you and forget to tell you (though I try to remember, cuz its something important to me). So I can't ask you to promise. All I can ask is that you try.


I need communication. Not much. I don't need to talk and analyze every little thing with you. I don't need you to prove you understand everything I'm trying to tell you, or that you agree with me, or any of that. I just need to know that the lines are open. Think of it like a computer pinging the internet. You send hearbeats every few seconds to make sure you're connected, if you are all is well. If one of those heartbeats is dropped, you get concerned. If you lose connection, or seem to, thats when you start trying to reestablish communication. Being ignored is incredibly frazzling because its like this constant state of unresolved lack of connection.

And if you remove all preconcieved notions from your analysis of my behavior, I believe you will find it matches what I have just told you. I mean yeah, I like talking about things until we're on the same page. And quite honestly, as much as I hate fighting with you and feel like we've done it too much lately - and there are times when we definately need to step back and just let things cool off - the fact that we're willing to try and talk things out, even if we fail, is a good sign to me. Of being truly brave. Of growing, at least on my end :P and sometimes, some of the things that come out of it make me go Wow. but thats added, its not needed, its a growth from the basics that indicates growing strengh. What I need is the heartbeat, even if there are times thats all we can sustain. That's ok.


I need trust. And quite honestly, I dont trust you right now. Its been eroded. And I dont know if you did that on purpose, or if it just happened due to lack of consideration, lack of expressed respect, and lack of communication. Often I feel I dont know whether to trust my eyes or my soul. My eyes say look at how he's acting. My soul says he is still the same person you have seen since you met him, same faults but same strengths. And he is worth loving, because he is in his core an amazing, growing man. An imperfect one, but no less imperfect than you. And it may hurt, but if he were anything less than who he is you would not learn nearly as much.

but my soul may be wrong. the soul craves even the echo of its mate, and i do feel you're my soul mate, but you may be just another echo. Thats what my brain says. And really, only time can tell. But I want to have that trust.

But thats something that can only be built over time, and by looking at actions (not words, isnt that, in some way, releaving?).

So, we shall see.

posted by Seamaire  @ 9:49 AM 0 comments  

is this what love is?

not in the hackneyed, overdone, comercialized sense.

but in the sometimes hard, sometimes maddening, often rewarding sense.

in the sense that maybe it's just a deep friendship, but its also a journey that is enriching just as it is, without anything more, though right now i have no wish to travel the same road with anyone else.

in the sense that, above and beyond petty angers and annoyances and concerns, i want you to be happy. i love you for you. and as tense as things occasionally get, i love the way i improve myself when i'm with you. high expectations can get tiring at times, but that you see the worth in me enough to have them, to feel there's no question i can live up to them... thats something. and for the moments where all my anger can evaporate with just a few simple honest words that make me say wow.

i feel often that i'm just playacting being grown up. but i feel that i'm learning more about how to be one with you. a real one, not just successful on the surface. but the commitment to excellence. the knowledge that, most likely neither of us will change from being people with tempers - but you CAN still handle disagreements maturely, and avoid the drama.

by respecting you, i respect myself.

there are stories about people who go into lands, that if they are not ready for them, they are nightmare; if they are, they are the most amazing place in the world. this is no fairy tale, and sometimes i wonder how it will hold up under the strain we sometimes put on it.

but often, it amazes me.

it strengthens me.

and i think it is love, though love sheared of its normal definitions, its fairy tale aspirations, its needyness. but rather, one of a new landscape, with new landmarks, where one must throw away the old maps and discover step by step the truth of it.

it almost calls for silence. for patience. for the ability to sublimate the will, and take a leap of faith that you are strong enough in and of yourself to be able to see where it's going to take you.

i forget myself too often. thank you for helping me remember.

posted by Seamaire  @ 1:16 PM 0 comments  

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