Friday, March 25, 2005
i am greiving
and i feel like a stranger in a place that was once home.
sometimes i feel these outer shells we've built up, these suspicions, walls, rough edges, sensative places... we let them keep our souls apart. we let them beat love.
did you ever truly believe tht i loved you with all my heart? tht i still do?
i weep.
for the drama i got caught up in. that you did.
for the people who we listened to more t han each other
for the fears that took precidence, for the need for independance.
when was i happiest?
i was happiest when i was with you. one look i remember so clearly, glancing at me when you were smoking on your balcony after i'd beat you at poker... the caring when you thought you'd let the sounds of the game you were playing awaken me. simply being with you. not even having to say anything at all. being totally safe.
i wanted nothing more than that, the rest of my life. so simple. being able to be with you. to discover who you were, no one else was ever as facinating to me. the calm. the intelegence. the gentleness. the morals.
i keep trying to let you go, to distance myself, but the quietest part of me loves you. found someone it could love in you. every part of me loved you. i feel like you are my soulmate.
and its not all my fault, its not all your fault, but as much as i try, its the same as its been for me since i met you. i dont want anyone else. with anyone else i would be faking it.
and so i grieve.
i was never as at home as i was when i was with you. never as able to be me. and i'm not that good at being me. i'm good at being me mixed with the world i'm in, but i'm not good at unmixing all the safeguards and equasions and just being me. i'm not good at stepping back from all that and just being me.
but i'm going to try.
sometimes i feel these outer shells we've built up, these suspicions, walls, rough edges, sensative places... we let them keep our souls apart. we let them beat love.
did you ever truly believe tht i loved you with all my heart? tht i still do?
i weep.
for the drama i got caught up in. that you did.
for the people who we listened to more t han each other
for the fears that took precidence, for the need for independance.
when was i happiest?
i was happiest when i was with you. one look i remember so clearly, glancing at me when you were smoking on your balcony after i'd beat you at poker... the caring when you thought you'd let the sounds of the game you were playing awaken me. simply being with you. not even having to say anything at all. being totally safe.
i wanted nothing more than that, the rest of my life. so simple. being able to be with you. to discover who you were, no one else was ever as facinating to me. the calm. the intelegence. the gentleness. the morals.
i keep trying to let you go, to distance myself, but the quietest part of me loves you. found someone it could love in you. every part of me loved you. i feel like you are my soulmate.
and its not all my fault, its not all your fault, but as much as i try, its the same as its been for me since i met you. i dont want anyone else. with anyone else i would be faking it.
and so i grieve.
i was never as at home as i was when i was with you. never as able to be me. and i'm not that good at being me. i'm good at being me mixed with the world i'm in, but i'm not good at unmixing all the safeguards and equasions and just being me. i'm not good at stepping back from all that and just being me.
but i'm going to try.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
the secret to tightrope walking is not looking down
is it odd to feel safer among strangers than among friends?
i'm not sure. i think its cuz i care about what friends think. some would say i care too much about what other peopl think, at 2:40am thats probably true, especially really relaly relaly fucking tired.
but what about people who were close, who you thought knew you.
and when they pull stuff, you think its cuz they know you and they should know better but they dont care..
maybe they dont know. i dont know. maybe they thought things were cool with you and they could be THEMselves but the two selves... crashed.
and maybe i should fucking sleep, cuz i'm at that stage where you want to sleep but you're nauseous and headachey and its cuz your body should be asleep but your minds awake and... ok yeah, finest prose ever written. ever.
fuck it. cant even blame it on drugs :P nite.
i'm not sure. i think its cuz i care about what friends think. some would say i care too much about what other peopl think, at 2:40am thats probably true, especially really relaly relaly fucking tired.
but what about people who were close, who you thought knew you.
and when they pull stuff, you think its cuz they know you and they should know better but they dont care..
maybe they dont know. i dont know. maybe they thought things were cool with you and they could be THEMselves but the two selves... crashed.
and maybe i should fucking sleep, cuz i'm at that stage where you want to sleep but you're nauseous and headachey and its cuz your body should be asleep but your minds awake and... ok yeah, finest prose ever written. ever.
fuck it. cant even blame it on drugs :P nite.
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