Wednesday, January 19, 2005
The best GD gaming advice I've ever gotten
Saving for future reference :)
"You have to ask yourself why you play. I learned a long time ago, playing MMORPG being a giving person, and expecting some sort of gratitutde, and/or reciprication will eat you up. It will never come to your liking. Be nice because it makes you feel good, or you enjoy it, or your trying to gain some mental advantage, but do it for you, do not expect reciprication, because if it does not come it will hurt. Play how you like, because you want it, not because others expect it from you, or because you expect it of them... make yourself happy first and foremost, thats all you can control. You cannot control how others act, so control what you can to be happy."
"You have to ask yourself why you play. I learned a long time ago, playing MMORPG being a giving person, and expecting some sort of gratitutde, and/or reciprication will eat you up. It will never come to your liking. Be nice because it makes you feel good, or you enjoy it, or your trying to gain some mental advantage, but do it for you, do not expect reciprication, because if it does not come it will hurt. Play how you like, because you want it, not because others expect it from you, or because you expect it of them... make yourself happy first and foremost, thats all you can control. You cannot control how others act, so control what you can to be happy."
Sunday, January 16, 2005
And the thing is...
They say that out of every suffering, there is something to be learned.
And I'm hurting. I feel like half my soul is missing right now. And part of me would give anything to keep that from happening.
But I didn't.
Although I have had moments of weakness.
But if I look at why I am here, from my side - because, since you only control your own actions, focusing on what you've done and why is how you actually learn - I find that the reasons come from budding strengths, not weaknesses. Incompletely expressed, but undenyably present.
And I'm suffering. But I'm learning. And I love myself for who I am becoming.
And one of the undenyable things here is that I also love you. I can rail against it, I can try to deny it - hell, I spent months at first denying it, there've been times lately when i've hurt when i've thought I can cut him out and stop loving him and i'll be fine. And i've been able to do it with other people, but the person i've grown into cant do it. I can try and find people to replace you, and part of me has done that too. But thats not the point. The point is not to try and find someone who will make me feel good, or someone else to complete me.
The point is that I can be complete in and of myself without anyone else.
The point is that I can love you for who you are without having to believe that everything you do is acceptable.
Because I have found that, besides love, I need other things. And there is no weakness in that. The weakness would be denying who I am in order to satisfy some short-term problem, and I know the you that is in you who is my friend - past pride, past anger, past these childish little tiffs - my friend would not want me to give up who I am.
Anymore than I would want him to give up who he is, even if that means this space. Because our personal integrety, nurturing who we are as separate, priceless, valuable human beings - has got to be the bedrock of anything else. It is better to be separate and whole than to be in a relationship that would deny those wholes. Because that is not love. And that is not friendship. And that would waste both our time.
I need to be respected, and i need to be shown respect. Not just "well of course you should know I respect you". And not the "oh my god you're so awesome what can i do to make you happy" either. But just that simple underlying current of respect that we should not betray even when we're angry and know how to hurt the other.
Do I respect you? One hell of alot. Do I always act like it? No. Especially when I'm angry. Or when I feel trapped. And its wrong for me to treat you with anything less than respect. And I'm sorry for any time I have. This is a place I need to grow.
I need to be treated with consideration. I need to not be taken for granted. And one of the things I've noticed lately is that I think we may have different concepts of that. And it may be something that is, in the end, the roadblock to anything further between us. Or it may be something to look at and say, lets work on this. But I want to be thanked. Not because I want you to laud me, but because part of giving is communication. And I know, I give alot, and you dont ask for it - but I want to know your reaction.
Think of it as an experiment. I want you to be happy, and if I give you a gift, its to increase your joy in life. A thank you a) lets me know you got the gift, and b) lets me know if it was successful. And I can't ask you to always promise, because we're both forgetful people. I have moments when i get something you give me and I'll think omg this is awesome thank you and forget to tell you (though I try to remember, cuz its something important to me). So I can't ask you to promise. All I can ask is that you try.
I need communication. Not much. I don't need to talk and analyze every little thing with you. I don't need you to prove you understand everything I'm trying to tell you, or that you agree with me, or any of that. I just need to know that the lines are open. Think of it like a computer pinging the internet. You send hearbeats every few seconds to make sure you're connected, if you are all is well. If one of those heartbeats is dropped, you get concerned. If you lose connection, or seem to, thats when you start trying to reestablish communication. Being ignored is incredibly frazzling because its like this constant state of unresolved lack of connection.
And if you remove all preconcieved notions from your analysis of my behavior, I believe you will find it matches what I have just told you. I mean yeah, I like talking about things until we're on the same page. And quite honestly, as much as I hate fighting with you and feel like we've done it too much lately - and there are times when we definately need to step back and just let things cool off - the fact that we're willing to try and talk things out, even if we fail, is a good sign to me. Of being truly brave. Of growing, at least on my end :P and sometimes, some of the things that come out of it make me go Wow. but thats added, its not needed, its a growth from the basics that indicates growing strengh. What I need is the heartbeat, even if there are times thats all we can sustain. That's ok.
I need trust. And quite honestly, I dont trust you right now. Its been eroded. And I dont know if you did that on purpose, or if it just happened due to lack of consideration, lack of expressed respect, and lack of communication. Often I feel I dont know whether to trust my eyes or my soul. My eyes say look at how he's acting. My soul says he is still the same person you have seen since you met him, same faults but same strengths. And he is worth loving, because he is in his core an amazing, growing man. An imperfect one, but no less imperfect than you. And it may hurt, but if he were anything less than who he is you would not learn nearly as much.
but my soul may be wrong. the soul craves even the echo of its mate, and i do feel you're my soul mate, but you may be just another echo. Thats what my brain says. And really, only time can tell. But I want to have that trust.
But thats something that can only be built over time, and by looking at actions (not words, isnt that, in some way, releaving?).
So, we shall see.
And I'm hurting. I feel like half my soul is missing right now. And part of me would give anything to keep that from happening.
But I didn't.
Although I have had moments of weakness.
But if I look at why I am here, from my side - because, since you only control your own actions, focusing on what you've done and why is how you actually learn - I find that the reasons come from budding strengths, not weaknesses. Incompletely expressed, but undenyably present.
And I'm suffering. But I'm learning. And I love myself for who I am becoming.
And one of the undenyable things here is that I also love you. I can rail against it, I can try to deny it - hell, I spent months at first denying it, there've been times lately when i've hurt when i've thought I can cut him out and stop loving him and i'll be fine. And i've been able to do it with other people, but the person i've grown into cant do it. I can try and find people to replace you, and part of me has done that too. But thats not the point. The point is not to try and find someone who will make me feel good, or someone else to complete me.
The point is that I can be complete in and of myself without anyone else.
The point is that I can love you for who you are without having to believe that everything you do is acceptable.
Because I have found that, besides love, I need other things. And there is no weakness in that. The weakness would be denying who I am in order to satisfy some short-term problem, and I know the you that is in you who is my friend - past pride, past anger, past these childish little tiffs - my friend would not want me to give up who I am.
Anymore than I would want him to give up who he is, even if that means this space. Because our personal integrety, nurturing who we are as separate, priceless, valuable human beings - has got to be the bedrock of anything else. It is better to be separate and whole than to be in a relationship that would deny those wholes. Because that is not love. And that is not friendship. And that would waste both our time.
I need to be respected, and i need to be shown respect. Not just "well of course you should know I respect you". And not the "oh my god you're so awesome what can i do to make you happy" either. But just that simple underlying current of respect that we should not betray even when we're angry and know how to hurt the other.
Do I respect you? One hell of alot. Do I always act like it? No. Especially when I'm angry. Or when I feel trapped. And its wrong for me to treat you with anything less than respect. And I'm sorry for any time I have. This is a place I need to grow.
I need to be treated with consideration. I need to not be taken for granted. And one of the things I've noticed lately is that I think we may have different concepts of that. And it may be something that is, in the end, the roadblock to anything further between us. Or it may be something to look at and say, lets work on this. But I want to be thanked. Not because I want you to laud me, but because part of giving is communication. And I know, I give alot, and you dont ask for it - but I want to know your reaction.
Think of it as an experiment. I want you to be happy, and if I give you a gift, its to increase your joy in life. A thank you a) lets me know you got the gift, and b) lets me know if it was successful. And I can't ask you to always promise, because we're both forgetful people. I have moments when i get something you give me and I'll think omg this is awesome thank you and forget to tell you (though I try to remember, cuz its something important to me). So I can't ask you to promise. All I can ask is that you try.
I need communication. Not much. I don't need to talk and analyze every little thing with you. I don't need you to prove you understand everything I'm trying to tell you, or that you agree with me, or any of that. I just need to know that the lines are open. Think of it like a computer pinging the internet. You send hearbeats every few seconds to make sure you're connected, if you are all is well. If one of those heartbeats is dropped, you get concerned. If you lose connection, or seem to, thats when you start trying to reestablish communication. Being ignored is incredibly frazzling because its like this constant state of unresolved lack of connection.
And if you remove all preconcieved notions from your analysis of my behavior, I believe you will find it matches what I have just told you. I mean yeah, I like talking about things until we're on the same page. And quite honestly, as much as I hate fighting with you and feel like we've done it too much lately - and there are times when we definately need to step back and just let things cool off - the fact that we're willing to try and talk things out, even if we fail, is a good sign to me. Of being truly brave. Of growing, at least on my end :P and sometimes, some of the things that come out of it make me go Wow. but thats added, its not needed, its a growth from the basics that indicates growing strengh. What I need is the heartbeat, even if there are times thats all we can sustain. That's ok.
I need trust. And quite honestly, I dont trust you right now. Its been eroded. And I dont know if you did that on purpose, or if it just happened due to lack of consideration, lack of expressed respect, and lack of communication. Often I feel I dont know whether to trust my eyes or my soul. My eyes say look at how he's acting. My soul says he is still the same person you have seen since you met him, same faults but same strengths. And he is worth loving, because he is in his core an amazing, growing man. An imperfect one, but no less imperfect than you. And it may hurt, but if he were anything less than who he is you would not learn nearly as much.
but my soul may be wrong. the soul craves even the echo of its mate, and i do feel you're my soul mate, but you may be just another echo. Thats what my brain says. And really, only time can tell. But I want to have that trust.
But thats something that can only be built over time, and by looking at actions (not words, isnt that, in some way, releaving?).
So, we shall see.
Friday, January 07, 2005
is this what love is?
not in the hackneyed, overdone, comercialized sense.
but in the sometimes hard, sometimes maddening, often rewarding sense.
in the sense that maybe it's just a deep friendship, but its also a journey that is enriching just as it is, without anything more, though right now i have no wish to travel the same road with anyone else.
in the sense that, above and beyond petty angers and annoyances and concerns, i want you to be happy. i love you for you. and as tense as things occasionally get, i love the way i improve myself when i'm with you. high expectations can get tiring at times, but that you see the worth in me enough to have them, to feel there's no question i can live up to them... thats something. and for the moments where all my anger can evaporate with just a few simple honest words that make me say wow.
i feel often that i'm just playacting being grown up. but i feel that i'm learning more about how to be one with you. a real one, not just successful on the surface. but the commitment to excellence. the knowledge that, most likely neither of us will change from being people with tempers - but you CAN still handle disagreements maturely, and avoid the drama.
by respecting you, i respect myself.
there are stories about people who go into lands, that if they are not ready for them, they are nightmare; if they are, they are the most amazing place in the world. this is no fairy tale, and sometimes i wonder how it will hold up under the strain we sometimes put on it.
but often, it amazes me.
it strengthens me.
and i think it is love, though love sheared of its normal definitions, its fairy tale aspirations, its needyness. but rather, one of a new landscape, with new landmarks, where one must throw away the old maps and discover step by step the truth of it.
it almost calls for silence. for patience. for the ability to sublimate the will, and take a leap of faith that you are strong enough in and of yourself to be able to see where it's going to take you.
i forget myself too often. thank you for helping me remember.
but in the sometimes hard, sometimes maddening, often rewarding sense.
in the sense that maybe it's just a deep friendship, but its also a journey that is enriching just as it is, without anything more, though right now i have no wish to travel the same road with anyone else.
in the sense that, above and beyond petty angers and annoyances and concerns, i want you to be happy. i love you for you. and as tense as things occasionally get, i love the way i improve myself when i'm with you. high expectations can get tiring at times, but that you see the worth in me enough to have them, to feel there's no question i can live up to them... thats something. and for the moments where all my anger can evaporate with just a few simple honest words that make me say wow.
i feel often that i'm just playacting being grown up. but i feel that i'm learning more about how to be one with you. a real one, not just successful on the surface. but the commitment to excellence. the knowledge that, most likely neither of us will change from being people with tempers - but you CAN still handle disagreements maturely, and avoid the drama.
by respecting you, i respect myself.
there are stories about people who go into lands, that if they are not ready for them, they are nightmare; if they are, they are the most amazing place in the world. this is no fairy tale, and sometimes i wonder how it will hold up under the strain we sometimes put on it.
but often, it amazes me.
it strengthens me.
and i think it is love, though love sheared of its normal definitions, its fairy tale aspirations, its needyness. but rather, one of a new landscape, with new landmarks, where one must throw away the old maps and discover step by step the truth of it.
it almost calls for silence. for patience. for the ability to sublimate the will, and take a leap of faith that you are strong enough in and of yourself to be able to see where it's going to take you.
i forget myself too often. thank you for helping me remember.
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