Thursday, September 16, 2004
men!!!
drive me batty!!!
sometimes i want to just strangle all of them. cuz there's this certain mood they all get into in one form or fashion. not that women dont have their own moments - i mean, obviously, i prefer men to women in terms of companionship; we have our own faults - but men get in this mood where they just have blinders on. Where their reality is the only one. Where if you disagree with them you must be siding with "the enemy" or else you arent being supportive, so they're not going to support you.
Oh my goodness, its such a flippin pain in the ass.
Sometimes I think that marriage is mainly for you to find the man that drives you the least nuts. The one who you basically agree with like 99 percent of the time, and where the other times what he's doing isnt so far out of your comfort zone that you want to run away to timbucktu. So that when he gets into this "This is the reality of the world all else is false" moods, it generally doesn't bother you - in fact sometimes you easily agree with him. And then when a few days have gone by and things are back to normal, all's right with the world.
I dunno. It drives me bonkers when men just expect you to agree with them. Its like, its ok for you to have an opinion, as long as it doesnt conflict with mine. WTF is that? I especially hate how they come after your arguments with stupid anti-logic, saying "oh, but its different in that case" when it really isnt, they're just letting their personal feelings get in the way of logic. And they dont listen when you've been there - really, honestly, been there - and at one point thought the same way they did, but learned the error of your ways.
And the whole persecution complex - nobody likes me, everybody hates me, why dont i just go and eat worms bs - bah! Cry more n00b, and grow up and grow a pair and act like a man. And listen to your critics when they tell you stuff, don't just blow them off cuz they dont agree with you.
meh, i dunno. stoopid men :P damn them for occcasionally being sexy.
sometimes i want to just strangle all of them. cuz there's this certain mood they all get into in one form or fashion. not that women dont have their own moments - i mean, obviously, i prefer men to women in terms of companionship; we have our own faults - but men get in this mood where they just have blinders on. Where their reality is the only one. Where if you disagree with them you must be siding with "the enemy" or else you arent being supportive, so they're not going to support you.
Oh my goodness, its such a flippin pain in the ass.
Sometimes I think that marriage is mainly for you to find the man that drives you the least nuts. The one who you basically agree with like 99 percent of the time, and where the other times what he's doing isnt so far out of your comfort zone that you want to run away to timbucktu. So that when he gets into this "This is the reality of the world all else is false" moods, it generally doesn't bother you - in fact sometimes you easily agree with him. And then when a few days have gone by and things are back to normal, all's right with the world.
I dunno. It drives me bonkers when men just expect you to agree with them. Its like, its ok for you to have an opinion, as long as it doesnt conflict with mine. WTF is that? I especially hate how they come after your arguments with stupid anti-logic, saying "oh, but its different in that case" when it really isnt, they're just letting their personal feelings get in the way of logic. And they dont listen when you've been there - really, honestly, been there - and at one point thought the same way they did, but learned the error of your ways.
And the whole persecution complex - nobody likes me, everybody hates me, why dont i just go and eat worms bs - bah! Cry more n00b, and grow up and grow a pair and act like a man. And listen to your critics when they tell you stuff, don't just blow them off cuz they dont agree with you.
meh, i dunno. stoopid men :P damn them for occcasionally being sexy.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Mornings
I think, given time, I could learn to absolutely love mornings.
Its been a curse - i woke up at like 6:30 this morning, and was like, damnit. But I'd gotten sleepy around 10 last night.
And now, it feels calm. Peaceful. The type of morning that really kinda wishes for a front porch overlooking a valley, with flowers growing on vines around it, dewdotted. And a cup of tea. And someone around, but maybe not quite out there with you, so that you have the solitude and still know you're loved and that there is peace in the world and you'll get to be with them later but right now, you're just drawing peace from yourself and God.
My porch, right now, is in SWG, stocking and accessing what I have. We moved recently. I have my own place now. No one else's rules, no one else to be held accountable to, no compromises. And while the rules and compromises were never something I wasnt willing to give, its still nice to be free.
Mesk is back :) He was on early this morning but I didnt notice it until he logged off. I thought I was absolutely safe from him being awake at 5:30 his time. But perhaps he's got the bug as well. Its strange in a way, to have him back - I feel a bit more self-concious. But I love it. Its part of this new feeling I have in the game, more oldschool feelings, more hope, more joy. And alot more peace. I feel like i've cut out an infection, and patched up a wound. It is good.
Watched garden state last night. Amazing, beautiful, joyous, funny, wonderful movie. Natalie Portman is just amazing. She shines. Its just so bubbly and real. And the drama in it, the self-discovery, the journey - almost architypal in some places - it was good. Though there were some parts where i felt funny sitting next to my dad and watching it :P
My brother was neat yesterday too, volitile as always (the youngest one) but at one point he just leaned his head on my shoulder and we just kinda .. i dunno.. were comfortable with each other, and the power of touch. Love and saftey. I think he'll get through everything ok. The love in my family is amazingly powerful.
Life is good. Not perfect, and i need to improve on some things in myself, definately - i can look around and see that - but, I'm on that road and moving forward. It is good.
Its been a curse - i woke up at like 6:30 this morning, and was like, damnit. But I'd gotten sleepy around 10 last night.
And now, it feels calm. Peaceful. The type of morning that really kinda wishes for a front porch overlooking a valley, with flowers growing on vines around it, dewdotted. And a cup of tea. And someone around, but maybe not quite out there with you, so that you have the solitude and still know you're loved and that there is peace in the world and you'll get to be with them later but right now, you're just drawing peace from yourself and God.
My porch, right now, is in SWG, stocking and accessing what I have. We moved recently. I have my own place now. No one else's rules, no one else to be held accountable to, no compromises. And while the rules and compromises were never something I wasnt willing to give, its still nice to be free.
Mesk is back :) He was on early this morning but I didnt notice it until he logged off. I thought I was absolutely safe from him being awake at 5:30 his time. But perhaps he's got the bug as well. Its strange in a way, to have him back - I feel a bit more self-concious. But I love it. Its part of this new feeling I have in the game, more oldschool feelings, more hope, more joy. And alot more peace. I feel like i've cut out an infection, and patched up a wound. It is good.
Watched garden state last night. Amazing, beautiful, joyous, funny, wonderful movie. Natalie Portman is just amazing. She shines. Its just so bubbly and real. And the drama in it, the self-discovery, the journey - almost architypal in some places - it was good. Though there were some parts where i felt funny sitting next to my dad and watching it :P
My brother was neat yesterday too, volitile as always (the youngest one) but at one point he just leaned his head on my shoulder and we just kinda .. i dunno.. were comfortable with each other, and the power of touch. Love and saftey. I think he'll get through everything ok. The love in my family is amazingly powerful.
Life is good. Not perfect, and i need to improve on some things in myself, definately - i can look around and see that - but, I'm on that road and moving forward. It is good.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
dreams
so i have this dream.
that i've driven up to college, only its not my campus. which is strange; you'd think that if i was going to dream about a campus my brain would go ahead and use the obvious example. but its not the same. i dunno, seems like there was a hill behind the parking lot that had trees on it; still in the same kinda semi-arid environment, but different. Anyways. So I park my car and go inside, and between classes i'm in this computer office with a few people, one of whom is a guy i'm attracted to. And we start teasing each other, then play-fighting then kinda wrestling, with a little bit of tickling and almost-inapropriate touching thrown in, and those scandalous little whispers that make you giggle. and its absolutely fun.
but then i get a call, and evidently i need to go move my car, and evidently they've been calling me while i was in class and things. and so i leave him and go out to look at my car, worried i parked it illegally, worried they are going to tow it, and when i get outside, what do i see?
I was parked legally, but they're repainting the section of the parking lot my car is in, an everyone else has moved their car except for me, and they're painting specifically around my car. and of course the paint is getting on my car, but they wont stop painting, and they wont let me move my car cuz they're worried i'll mess up their paint.
And the girl in charge isnt very nice. Blonde, attractive, professional looking.
So the scene shifts, and i've gone back on campus, but evidently the guy i'm seeing has found out, only its like when i woke up it was like he was the one who had driven the car to school, and hadn't been able to get out to it in time either? And his friends are upset too, and things turn kinda ugly, and i come out as he's kinda yelling at the people in charge and a security guy starts to come in and his friends get pissed off and things get ugly. and i step in to stop the fight. And then its me arguing with the lady, she's saying how its water-soluable paint (which at the time makes sense to me but now that i think about it awake like makes absolutely no sense, you'd paint your parking lot with something that would wash off in the rain? but then again, the paint they were using was being sprayed on the ground, when i've been seeing them paint and they use rollers, but hey, i never said i made sense) and will just wash off the car anyways. So there comes a point where i'm just frustrated and like, whatever. And then I go to call my boyfriend (evidently thats what we are?) but then i have no idea what his name is. And that is the oddest feeling, and then I know I'm awake.
Figure that one out, Jung :P
that i've driven up to college, only its not my campus. which is strange; you'd think that if i was going to dream about a campus my brain would go ahead and use the obvious example. but its not the same. i dunno, seems like there was a hill behind the parking lot that had trees on it; still in the same kinda semi-arid environment, but different. Anyways. So I park my car and go inside, and between classes i'm in this computer office with a few people, one of whom is a guy i'm attracted to. And we start teasing each other, then play-fighting then kinda wrestling, with a little bit of tickling and almost-inapropriate touching thrown in, and those scandalous little whispers that make you giggle. and its absolutely fun.
but then i get a call, and evidently i need to go move my car, and evidently they've been calling me while i was in class and things. and so i leave him and go out to look at my car, worried i parked it illegally, worried they are going to tow it, and when i get outside, what do i see?
I was parked legally, but they're repainting the section of the parking lot my car is in, an everyone else has moved their car except for me, and they're painting specifically around my car. and of course the paint is getting on my car, but they wont stop painting, and they wont let me move my car cuz they're worried i'll mess up their paint.
And the girl in charge isnt very nice. Blonde, attractive, professional looking.
So the scene shifts, and i've gone back on campus, but evidently the guy i'm seeing has found out, only its like when i woke up it was like he was the one who had driven the car to school, and hadn't been able to get out to it in time either? And his friends are upset too, and things turn kinda ugly, and i come out as he's kinda yelling at the people in charge and a security guy starts to come in and his friends get pissed off and things get ugly. and i step in to stop the fight. And then its me arguing with the lady, she's saying how its water-soluable paint (which at the time makes sense to me but now that i think about it awake like makes absolutely no sense, you'd paint your parking lot with something that would wash off in the rain? but then again, the paint they were using was being sprayed on the ground, when i've been seeing them paint and they use rollers, but hey, i never said i made sense) and will just wash off the car anyways. So there comes a point where i'm just frustrated and like, whatever. And then I go to call my boyfriend (evidently thats what we are?) but then i have no idea what his name is. And that is the oddest feeling, and then I know I'm awake.
Figure that one out, Jung :P
Saturday, September 04, 2004
o brother, where art thou?
i am blessed.
i live with my brother. He's four years younger than I am, and perhaps one of the most moral and honorable men i know. And very mature.
Not that we always agree. Not that we dont have our moments.
But I dont think i've ever had a healthier relationship with a roomate before, or anyone i've lived with. Its like we have our own little corner of sanity. Inviolate, just because of the strength of his character.
We're both very analytical people. We're on the same track at school, have the same friends, obviously the same family. We are able to help each other through different issues. There are always places where we don't see eye to eye, but we're also very close.
Went to go see a movie with him today, paraparatzi. not the best movie. And then we got dinner, brought it back to the apartment, and talked for a few hours. I enjoy the quality of my discussions with him, intelectual talks, i can bring my problems to him and get a viewpoint that while i may not always agree i often find cuts through the bs and hits the same things i believe in. The choices i've made. Plus he's alot of fun.
I am blessed.
i live with my brother. He's four years younger than I am, and perhaps one of the most moral and honorable men i know. And very mature.
Not that we always agree. Not that we dont have our moments.
But I dont think i've ever had a healthier relationship with a roomate before, or anyone i've lived with. Its like we have our own little corner of sanity. Inviolate, just because of the strength of his character.
We're both very analytical people. We're on the same track at school, have the same friends, obviously the same family. We are able to help each other through different issues. There are always places where we don't see eye to eye, but we're also very close.
Went to go see a movie with him today, paraparatzi. not the best movie. And then we got dinner, brought it back to the apartment, and talked for a few hours. I enjoy the quality of my discussions with him, intelectual talks, i can bring my problems to him and get a viewpoint that while i may not always agree i often find cuts through the bs and hits the same things i believe in. The choices i've made. Plus he's alot of fun.
I am blessed.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
learning
(just as a warning, this gets pretty damn personal)
every bad situation can be learned from.
not that we're responsible for what other people do to us, or other peoples choices; and of course there are situations we dont have any control over.
but its important to recognize patterns that get us into situations on more than one occasion where things dont go the way we would honestly want them to.
i think thats part of maturity. recognizing that. I think one of the problems i have, and one of the reasons people think i'm so much younger than i am, is not just because i have good skin. although it is flattering that absolutely no one realizes that i'm 28; everyone i meet thinks i'm in my early twenties. and its not just because i have a youthful spirit; though i do, and if my grandmother is any indication its hereditary and will stay with me all my life.
both of those things are positives.
but where the negatives come in is where it can be tied to maturity. and in alot of ways maturity is not a constant? everyone has their moments. and i think in alot of ways i'm more mature than most.
but i think there are holes where things repeat, and i think part of that has to do with the problems i have holding memories.
thats one reason pattern recognition is so important to me; if i can get the pattern subconciously, if i can intuatively grasp things and the red flags and also know Why i think they're red flags, then the memory problem isnt as much of a detriment. but of course, thats imperfect; it gets confused with the emotional response to situations, and its hard to know why something feels wrong. is it because of an underlying fault in myself that i havent yet dealt with, is it an instinctive response to a similar situation in the past that has no logical meaningful ties to the present, or is it because of judgement?
i overanalyze, often. its not really even by choice, and thats one reason i try not to place to much stake in these intuitions, and not act on them but use them as possibilities; unreliable evidence that may at the same time help me keep my eyes open to the truth. you have to keep them separate. or you risk contaminating your own good judgement.
but anyawys. segue :P
this is what i know. about me.
i need to be better at forgiving. i need to not hold on to past faults, or imagined slights. yeah sure it might hurt, yeah sure i might be right, but in the long run... as long as i'm able to keep myself uncompromised, what does it matter? if i am strong and whole within myself, what do the motives of other people matter? Doesnt always work. i'm still going to be hurt if someone i love and trust betrays me. but its not my place to judge that, other than to judge how i chose to interact with them. they have to live with it; just as i live with the mistakes i've made. not my job to act in such a way as to give them consequences.
i know this. i believe it. its what i've decided on for myself.
doesnt mean i'm pacifist? :P i mean, games are games. but thats why i get so worked up and have problems fighting when i'm upset, because internally i dont wanna do it because i'm mad. i want to do it for the love of the game. and for the competition. but i want it to be clean.
cuz i dont like it when things get nasty, and people get catty, and its not cuz i dont think i can do it. its that i know i can. i can be an absolute bitch. i can be brutally vindictive. i know exactly where to cut.
and yet, thats not who i am. not only is it not who i choose to be, but its not who i am. not that i wont fight back if i'm being attacked, but.
there was a moment when i had the choice. that choice that every girl prepares herself for, if this ever happens i'll kill him. and i honestly thought that i would. and when the choice came down.. well i was a little too late. drugs will do that to you. but still, i didn't. the reasoning that time was in part based upon my family; i didnt care what happened to me at that point but i knew that the violence was potentially very real. but the thing is.. i chose not to act, not to get blood on my hands.
and its funny, i think with all my fears, for a long time i've been afraid of myself. afraid there was something inherantly wrong, that that night broke something in me. but ya know?
i'm not the person i've judged myself to be. not even a part of me. thats not who i am.
i need to forgive myself just as much as i need to forgive others.
and i can't go around being scared that if someone sees me for who i am, that they'll run screaming :P not that people wont judge me; hell look, i even judged myself. but its there loss, just as i lose a part of myself by fearing who and what i am, in seeing part of myself through others eyes.
because when it all comes down... my heart is pure. and i'm not just becoming the person i've chosen to be. i'm cutting out the parts that aren't me.
ok. personal realization is heavy stuff! bleh. but thats why journals are good for you, eh? wow. i never thought of it from that perspective before. i was always ashamed of that moment. because i thought it made me weak. but it didnt. it showed that my heart is more than even i comprehended. and i acted from my heart, not from anything society convinced me was neccesary.
ok now we just need to hope that that wasnt to heavy for my brain and that my heart will hold onto it and that the meaning won't get blanked out, for me to learn another time.
every bad situation can be learned from.
not that we're responsible for what other people do to us, or other peoples choices; and of course there are situations we dont have any control over.
but its important to recognize patterns that get us into situations on more than one occasion where things dont go the way we would honestly want them to.
i think thats part of maturity. recognizing that. I think one of the problems i have, and one of the reasons people think i'm so much younger than i am, is not just because i have good skin. although it is flattering that absolutely no one realizes that i'm 28; everyone i meet thinks i'm in my early twenties. and its not just because i have a youthful spirit; though i do, and if my grandmother is any indication its hereditary and will stay with me all my life.
both of those things are positives.
but where the negatives come in is where it can be tied to maturity. and in alot of ways maturity is not a constant? everyone has their moments. and i think in alot of ways i'm more mature than most.
but i think there are holes where things repeat, and i think part of that has to do with the problems i have holding memories.
thats one reason pattern recognition is so important to me; if i can get the pattern subconciously, if i can intuatively grasp things and the red flags and also know Why i think they're red flags, then the memory problem isnt as much of a detriment. but of course, thats imperfect; it gets confused with the emotional response to situations, and its hard to know why something feels wrong. is it because of an underlying fault in myself that i havent yet dealt with, is it an instinctive response to a similar situation in the past that has no logical meaningful ties to the present, or is it because of judgement?
i overanalyze, often. its not really even by choice, and thats one reason i try not to place to much stake in these intuitions, and not act on them but use them as possibilities; unreliable evidence that may at the same time help me keep my eyes open to the truth. you have to keep them separate. or you risk contaminating your own good judgement.
but anyawys. segue :P
this is what i know. about me.
i need to be better at forgiving. i need to not hold on to past faults, or imagined slights. yeah sure it might hurt, yeah sure i might be right, but in the long run... as long as i'm able to keep myself uncompromised, what does it matter? if i am strong and whole within myself, what do the motives of other people matter? Doesnt always work. i'm still going to be hurt if someone i love and trust betrays me. but its not my place to judge that, other than to judge how i chose to interact with them. they have to live with it; just as i live with the mistakes i've made. not my job to act in such a way as to give them consequences.
i know this. i believe it. its what i've decided on for myself.
doesnt mean i'm pacifist? :P i mean, games are games. but thats why i get so worked up and have problems fighting when i'm upset, because internally i dont wanna do it because i'm mad. i want to do it for the love of the game. and for the competition. but i want it to be clean.
cuz i dont like it when things get nasty, and people get catty, and its not cuz i dont think i can do it. its that i know i can. i can be an absolute bitch. i can be brutally vindictive. i know exactly where to cut.
and yet, thats not who i am. not only is it not who i choose to be, but its not who i am. not that i wont fight back if i'm being attacked, but.
there was a moment when i had the choice. that choice that every girl prepares herself for, if this ever happens i'll kill him. and i honestly thought that i would. and when the choice came down.. well i was a little too late. drugs will do that to you. but still, i didn't. the reasoning that time was in part based upon my family; i didnt care what happened to me at that point but i knew that the violence was potentially very real. but the thing is.. i chose not to act, not to get blood on my hands.
and its funny, i think with all my fears, for a long time i've been afraid of myself. afraid there was something inherantly wrong, that that night broke something in me. but ya know?
i'm not the person i've judged myself to be. not even a part of me. thats not who i am.
i need to forgive myself just as much as i need to forgive others.
and i can't go around being scared that if someone sees me for who i am, that they'll run screaming :P not that people wont judge me; hell look, i even judged myself. but its there loss, just as i lose a part of myself by fearing who and what i am, in seeing part of myself through others eyes.
because when it all comes down... my heart is pure. and i'm not just becoming the person i've chosen to be. i'm cutting out the parts that aren't me.
ok. personal realization is heavy stuff! bleh. but thats why journals are good for you, eh? wow. i never thought of it from that perspective before. i was always ashamed of that moment. because i thought it made me weak. but it didnt. it showed that my heart is more than even i comprehended. and i acted from my heart, not from anything society convinced me was neccesary.
ok now we just need to hope that that wasnt to heavy for my brain and that my heart will hold onto it and that the meaning won't get blanked out, for me to learn another time.
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