Sunday, August 29, 2004
first post
i'm currently going through my poetry and putting it all together, editing to try and stitch two databases together, weeding out the duplicates, fixing the empty holder spots, and all that.
and i find myself absolutely just... bemused, i guess. half laughing, half crying, kinda at that spot where you're so overwhelmed with emotion that you dont exactly even feel it anymore cuz your mind is just boggled.
imaging having to look at yourself, stripped of all the little illusions we hold to only see parts of ourselves at once. imagine seeing the past through you're own eyes as it was then as well as where you are now. seeing all your faults. and seeing that there are some of them you still carry over. and realizing that you've been justifying it to yourself, some of them.
but also seeing how amazing you are. really. and that the times when you suspect you're just shallow and flat... that you were absolutely blind to the wonder of yourself. not in comparison to anyone else.
and absolutely loving yourself. and seeing how worthy you are to be loved, even with all your amazing stupid little idiosyncratic faults.
and i want to hold that in me. i want the power of it to burn through my heart and through the stupid misconceptions that shape my fears and hold sway over emotions.
i dunno. i think its kinda like seeing yourself the way God does. and definately have places i need to improve. and i have fears that i dont need. and patterns i want to break.
but thats part of growing, right? keep on truckin :)
and i find myself absolutely just... bemused, i guess. half laughing, half crying, kinda at that spot where you're so overwhelmed with emotion that you dont exactly even feel it anymore cuz your mind is just boggled.
imaging having to look at yourself, stripped of all the little illusions we hold to only see parts of ourselves at once. imagine seeing the past through you're own eyes as it was then as well as where you are now. seeing all your faults. and seeing that there are some of them you still carry over. and realizing that you've been justifying it to yourself, some of them.
but also seeing how amazing you are. really. and that the times when you suspect you're just shallow and flat... that you were absolutely blind to the wonder of yourself. not in comparison to anyone else.
and absolutely loving yourself. and seeing how worthy you are to be loved, even with all your amazing stupid little idiosyncratic faults.
and i want to hold that in me. i want the power of it to burn through my heart and through the stupid misconceptions that shape my fears and hold sway over emotions.
i dunno. i think its kinda like seeing yourself the way God does. and definately have places i need to improve. and i have fears that i dont need. and patterns i want to break.
but thats part of growing, right? keep on truckin :)
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