Thursday, April 25, 2002
devart recovered 12
"if you were here i know that you would truly be amazed at whats become of what you made... if you were here you would know how i treasure every day, how ever single word you spoke echoes in you like a melody of hope.. when you were here, you could not feel the value that i placed on every look that crossed your face.. when you were here i did not know just how i had embraced all that you hid behind your face did not hide from me cuz it hid in me too.."
-- If you were here, Poe, Haunted
in so many moods today, one of those fully elemental days where you feel everything so strongly... and not just here now, though the music is more vibrant and the crest of the hills sharper and the greens greener... but the past too. A day when the sensual lies close to the surface... and it means you feel more alive, but it also means your emotions are almost too close to the controls... and sometimes everything all mixes together in a soup, so if someone sips the runoff they may be overcome, and not realize just how much has nothing at all to do with them... i am too much, sometimes, i feel. was reading something one of Anne Rice's characters said about how if we got rid of 90% of the male population that there would be no war... and how untrue that is. i am not more gentle because of my sex... today, i feel far from it.
lately, it feels like every love song on the radio... at least those that catch me... could be sung fom three perspectives, to me or from me about that being or person... nickleback this is how you remind me, enrique's about not being able to get away from love... other things remind me of one. dont ever let anyone tell you its hard to leave someone, hard to know that you've caused another being such anguish and pain, even if you did it because you were dying with them, because you had to, even if they did horrible things and made you feel such fear... that you know you must've loved them at one point at least to have done the things you did... and to know that you are the one to break that covenant, even if the covenant was strangling you... even if there were reasons, and i doubt anyone does it without reasons, though i'm sure some are more easily justified than others... it almost feels like the people who say abortion is easy. leaving isn't easy. or simple.
and then, having good news come... and it was a good day too, dont get me wrong. found out i aced a test, which i shouldn't've been worried about, but i've been slacking lately because i'm so absolutely bored. and the one part i wasn't sure i understood, i did. and the day was beautiful, the music in the car surpurb, the type of moments where i so wish i could just broadcast the sheer wonder of it all to others to let them feel as alive as I did at that moment.
and then, tonight i'm just tired, and trying to get into the chars head that i'm writing, and finding echoes in everything that coalesce into poems... and then hurting someone just because i'm also in a bitchy mood and letting my emotions play close to the surface, and all sorts of little pebbles of no consequence come in and jam the gears because i'm moody and feeling insecure and i take advantage of emotions when they give me words...
sometimes i feel so elemental. but... it is who i am. i just hope that i can always heal more than i hurt... and be able to communicate somehow the things past the storms that are there, and not just the offspring of fickle amoral emotions.
i also miss some people, old friends... here in a new place, when new people are wonderful, and i'm growing into the place they've welcomed for me... i miss those that already know me, even know the worst things. just... a day.
-- If you were here, Poe, Haunted
in so many moods today, one of those fully elemental days where you feel everything so strongly... and not just here now, though the music is more vibrant and the crest of the hills sharper and the greens greener... but the past too. A day when the sensual lies close to the surface... and it means you feel more alive, but it also means your emotions are almost too close to the controls... and sometimes everything all mixes together in a soup, so if someone sips the runoff they may be overcome, and not realize just how much has nothing at all to do with them... i am too much, sometimes, i feel. was reading something one of Anne Rice's characters said about how if we got rid of 90% of the male population that there would be no war... and how untrue that is. i am not more gentle because of my sex... today, i feel far from it.
lately, it feels like every love song on the radio... at least those that catch me... could be sung fom three perspectives, to me or from me about that being or person... nickleback this is how you remind me, enrique's about not being able to get away from love... other things remind me of one. dont ever let anyone tell you its hard to leave someone, hard to know that you've caused another being such anguish and pain, even if you did it because you were dying with them, because you had to, even if they did horrible things and made you feel such fear... that you know you must've loved them at one point at least to have done the things you did... and to know that you are the one to break that covenant, even if the covenant was strangling you... even if there were reasons, and i doubt anyone does it without reasons, though i'm sure some are more easily justified than others... it almost feels like the people who say abortion is easy. leaving isn't easy. or simple.
and then, having good news come... and it was a good day too, dont get me wrong. found out i aced a test, which i shouldn't've been worried about, but i've been slacking lately because i'm so absolutely bored. and the one part i wasn't sure i understood, i did. and the day was beautiful, the music in the car surpurb, the type of moments where i so wish i could just broadcast the sheer wonder of it all to others to let them feel as alive as I did at that moment.
and then, tonight i'm just tired, and trying to get into the chars head that i'm writing, and finding echoes in everything that coalesce into poems... and then hurting someone just because i'm also in a bitchy mood and letting my emotions play close to the surface, and all sorts of little pebbles of no consequence come in and jam the gears because i'm moody and feeling insecure and i take advantage of emotions when they give me words...
sometimes i feel so elemental. but... it is who i am. i just hope that i can always heal more than i hurt... and be able to communicate somehow the things past the storms that are there, and not just the offspring of fickle amoral emotions.
i also miss some people, old friends... here in a new place, when new people are wonderful, and i'm growing into the place they've welcomed for me... i miss those that already know me, even know the worst things. just... a day.
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
devart recovered 11
"consider these two statements:
1. Those spots mean that Margie has the measles
2. The doctors hand wave means that Margie has the measles.
if i tell a friend #1, i am committed to the belief that she has the measles. but the hand wave in 2 means what it does in part because of the doctors intnetions toward me, which are to tell me that margie has the measles. unlike the spots, the gesture bears no natural connection to the measles. and if i tell a friend 2, i am not committed to the belief that margie has the measles, the doctor could be wrong."
- spotty mildly quoted bit from "Using Language" by HH Clark
very trippy book, very good book, and not just for computer scientists!
but anyways, its what i'm doing first today, in probably one of the most horridly full days i've had in a while. go to class here to here, pick someone up, go to work - oh yes and theres a test and oh yes and deposit the check oh yes and register. oh, and there is laundry that needs to be done... of course. before five, please. while you're *not* here.
oh yes, and there's the absolutely brilliantly bright thing i found today, thanks to someone lovely.
oh well.
......
honesty does not always win friends
but i have no time for masks
unless i'm selling something
1. Those spots mean that Margie has the measles
2. The doctors hand wave means that Margie has the measles.
if i tell a friend #1, i am committed to the belief that she has the measles. but the hand wave in 2 means what it does in part because of the doctors intnetions toward me, which are to tell me that margie has the measles. unlike the spots, the gesture bears no natural connection to the measles. and if i tell a friend 2, i am not committed to the belief that margie has the measles, the doctor could be wrong."
- spotty mildly quoted bit from "Using Language" by HH Clark
very trippy book, very good book, and not just for computer scientists!
but anyways, its what i'm doing first today, in probably one of the most horridly full days i've had in a while. go to class here to here, pick someone up, go to work - oh yes and theres a test and oh yes and deposit the check oh yes and register. oh, and there is laundry that needs to be done... of course. before five, please. while you're *not* here.
oh yes, and there's the absolutely brilliantly bright thing i found today, thanks to someone lovely.
oh well.
......
honesty does not always win friends
but i have no time for masks
unless i'm selling something
Monday, April 22, 2002
devart recovered 10
ok, there is a danger in listening to poe and thinking wicked thoughts while perusing deviantart poetry and listening to people talk about odd things such as flaming anuses (a burning man thing) and makeout lounges inside goats... you come across a poem that's actually the total opposite of what you expected from the title (though if you were in a "normal" frame of mind you would've recognized that the title is perfect for the poem) and get kinda brainwarped.
and realize how very very odd your friends are....
and realize how very very odd your friends are....
Friday, April 19, 2002
devart recovered 9
i am so friggin pissy at my image editing programs. Why can't i like, save a copy that is *exactly* like what i have on the screen? with the same details? eesh. so i'm going to try the png thing, and see what its like. i *really* dont remember it being this hard. oh well, motivation to get my baby up and running, if it isn't too pissy at me after being left unused for a few months... i'll try the png thing.
other than that ranting at fireworks (and photoshop is just as much of a pain in the tail, at the moment) my day has gone... relatively well. Some bad news about my courses i can take this summer, but had nothing whatsoever to do with my abilities - which were praised 
as were those of my (out of school) teacher... but rather had to do with some acreditation issue. ouch, but at least i know it isn't because the department head isn't just pissed at me because my on-time record at our group meetings has been less than shining.
got something off today - dont you hate it when you have *one* check left, and your brain is so fried out from stress that you write the ammount on the line where the name of the business is supposed to go?? of course, it could only be me that has these things happen. wouldn't be anything new. but, it got taken care of, so... i'm cool
other than that ranting at fireworks (and photoshop is just as much of a pain in the tail, at the moment) my day has gone... relatively well. Some bad news about my courses i can take this summer, but had nothing whatsoever to do with my abilities - which were praised
as were those of my (out of school) teacher... but rather had to do with some acreditation issue. ouch, but at least i know it isn't because the department head isn't just pissed at me because my on-time record at our group meetings has been less than shining.got something off today - dont you hate it when you have *one* check left, and your brain is so fried out from stress that you write the ammount on the line where the name of the business is supposed to go?? of course, it could only be me that has these things happen. wouldn't be anything new. but, it got taken care of, so... i'm cool
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
devart recovered 8
a free day, yay! and... what to do. hmm... chores that's a given. hopefully get to where i can set *my* computer up, because my brothers photoshop is driving me nuts - even when i get something i like, it exports it funny. the colors are off, and such... like, the devid was much more of a sepia tone. but, oh well. mmm... almost done with something, hope to send it off today or tomorrow. just need one more thing. had shiela nicholls in my head, pan... need to find where i put her cd! think it's in my nicole nordman case. mm..."sisters you need not worry no more about your soul or about your war, take your freedom and walk out the door and dont come back and dont come back..."
i find it almost amusing that she's like so close to my soul with her music, and yet no one has heard of her but that's the problem with being an indie artist, i suppose. oh well. i'll keep her to myself.
feeling artsy, took several photos of pieces of me, playing with them in my fireworks. ... not sure if they'll go up, i really need to scan some other photos in and put them up but.. we'll see.
that's a given. hopefully get to where i can set *my* computer up, because my brothers photoshop is driving me nuts - even when i get something i like, it exports it funny. the colors are off, and such... like, the devid was much more of a sepia tone. but, oh well. mmm... almost done with something, hope to send it off today or tomorrow. just need one more thing. had shiela nicholls in my head, pan... need to find where i put her cd! think it's in my nicole nordman case. mm..."sisters you need not worry no more about your soul or about your war, take your freedom and walk out the door and dont come back and dont come back..."i find it almost amusing that she's like so close to my soul with her music, and yet no one has heard of her
but that's the problem with being an indie artist, i suppose. oh well. i'll keep her to myself.feeling artsy, took several photos of pieces of me, playing with them in my fireworks. ... not sure if they'll go up, i really need to scan some other photos in and put them up but.. we'll see.
Monday, April 15, 2002
devart recovered 7
ok. i'm really not normally a hateful person... but at the moment i'm feeling a hell of alot of dislike for *the one who makes all males look bad* ... just one of those adding insult to injury days. need a piece of his vital information to file taxes... and i really dont want to talk to him and do the whole well why do you want it? game. also know that if i filed with him i'd probably get a return because he was such a leech... but as it is it looks like i owe what i dont have. on top of that, i put an important piece of paper in a "safe place" ... which is very safe... so i'm feeling all sorts of less than brilliant and fun today. someone is lovely marvy as normal, though. but i just want to tear out my hair.
haiku i wrote, too short to really be a sub (maybe one of my headers later), when reminded of the whole hellhole situation...
grand fury
small sugar crystals
malicious winter killing
you are scrap metal
...on a positiver note, i'm toying with the idea of a watercolor book. dunno yet, need to think. and that would require (maybe) aquiring the paint, though i may have the paper.... i love feeling creative again, after being so smothered and drained gray by circumstance..
haiku i wrote, too short to really be a sub (maybe one of my headers later), when reminded of the whole hellhole situation...
grand fury
small sugar crystals
malicious winter killing
you are scrap metal
...on a positiver note, i'm toying with the idea of a watercolor book. dunno yet, need to think. and that would require (maybe) aquiring the paint, though i may have the paper.... i love feeling creative again, after being so smothered and drained gray by circumstance..
Sunday, April 14, 2002
devart recovered 6
i smell like geraniums today. have the essential oils of it and rosemary... not my pics. i would probably have chosen cinnamon and lavender and roses, though the geranium is nice today.
goooood day today work was quite nice... doodled something (a vase? a face? a fish?) that hopefully wasn't thrown away... i forgot to grab it. but, we'll see.
bought a small pic today, a delicate watercolor/ink of pink roses... in an antiqued frame. it's not my normal style, i'm into seascapes and lighthouses... but i also like the more classic antiqued creams and golden brown woods and things, and it might fit in there. or... who knows. but, i like it.
(ed: i still have the picture - 11/27/05)
goooood day today
work was quite nice... doodled something (a vase? a face? a fish?) that hopefully wasn't thrown away... i forgot to grab it. but, we'll see.bought a small pic today, a delicate watercolor/ink of pink roses... in an antiqued frame. it's not my normal style, i'm into seascapes and lighthouses... but i also like the more classic antiqued creams and golden brown woods and things, and it might fit in there. or... who knows. but, i like it.
(ed: i still have the picture - 11/27/05)
Thursday, April 11, 2002
devart recovered 5
good day today. finished most of the project. stole my dad's old mavica just to have some sort of camera. dont really like any of the pics much, but will keep trying... some would look cool photoshoped. took over my bro's computer while he was at work and made some things, i really need to unpack mine. i guess i just dont plan to stay here that long. but i should, so i'll have enough free disk space to create a picture without having to clear up stuff for the scratch disk all the time.
i dont get it - he listens to spinner all the time, but he has gigs worth of mp3s.
oh well not my comp anyways. i just want to get back into my art.
got to talk to someone tonight. strange talking with an audience. it's like things get censored.
using voice on the comp has really got me thinking about the computer voice systems project we're doing, and the stuff we've been talking about relating to "Using Language" (good book, btw).
hmm... other than my brothers being a bit mindboggling at times today... (is it youth or just maleness?) it was a good day. had dinner with mom and my brother, laughed alot hence my mood. today ends well.
i dont get it - he listens to spinner all the time, but he has gigs worth of mp3s.
oh well
not my comp anyways. i just want to get back into my art.got to talk to someone tonight. strange talking with an audience. it's like things get censored.
using voice on the comp has really got me thinking about the computer voice systems project we're doing, and the stuff we've been talking about relating to "Using Language" (good book, btw).
hmm... other than my brothers being a bit mindboggling at times today... (is it youth or just maleness?) it was a good day. had dinner with mom and my brother, laughed alot
hence my mood. today ends well.Wednesday, April 10, 2002
devart recovered 4.5
bah. lower back is killing! was given a muscle relaxant to take while still in bed, normally they dont hit me - but i was either tired or *something* and slept three hours more than i meant to. fortunately, today is a semi-easy day.
on the plus side... i'm getting to listen to my poe cd haunted...
"i go wild cuz you break me open, i go wild cuz you left me here" .....mmmm.
they need an emoticon for *in pain*
also missing someone. surprise surprise but c'est la vie.
on the plus side... i'm getting to listen to my poe cd
haunted..."i go wild cuz you break me open, i go wild cuz you left me here" .....mmmm.
they need an emoticon for *in pain*
also missing someone. surprise surprise
but c'est la vie.Tuesday, April 09, 2002
devart recovered 4
in a good mood at the moment. energetic. skipped class today, the lecture part at least, and went to eat sushi - after the lunch special was over 
which is their best part, but hey.you take what you can get. my brother's supposed to take me out for sushi when he gets paid. i'll wait and seeif that happens he's been moody lately.
got my mic to work last night... yay is tres fun. of course, the person i *most* wish to speak to, the phone thingy on the messenger is acting up. *sulk* but... it'll happen eventually.
worked some more on my project while i was at the sushi restaurant... will be happy when i finish it
which is their best part, but hey.you take what you can get. my brother's supposed to take me out for sushi when he gets paid. i'll wait and seeif that happens he's been moody lately.got my mic to work last night... yay
is tres fun. of course, the person i *most* wish to speak to, the phone thingy on the messenger is acting up. *sulk* but... it'll happen eventually.worked some more on my project while i was at the sushi restaurant... will be happy when i finish it
Saturday, April 06, 2002
devart recovered 3
sleeepy sea. just woke up from a nap.
still figuring out how to use this journaling function. it's slightly quirky.
i need to get some of my older poems together in a file, and print them out for reference. it's kinda scary that i only have them electronically. not that scarry, because i'd rather have that than merely hardcopies... but je ne sais pas.
work was good. i want more clients to come in the gallery i love selling, i love the feeling. am such a... exhibitionist is not quite the right word, and narccicist doesn't capture the feeling of adoring the adoration... i need a new word.
had some very troubling news about my dad's health today. nothing like cancer... but i hate to see him weighted down with it. I hate for him to feel like he'll be limited the rest of his life, i hope medicine has progressed in the past 20 years. i trust that it can. i want him to have hope.
need to scan in some more photos of the san fran trip, since people seem to like the others. i'm amazed, my personal favorite wasn't among those already scanned in. but just means i get to have it more later. I so seriously want to set my computer up, so i can have photoshop back... i've been inspired lately and had no way to create. sooo sucks.
mmm... oh well. xfiles/dinner time. laterz
still figuring out how to use this journaling function. it's slightly quirky.
i need to get some of my older poems together in a file, and print them out for reference. it's kinda scary that i only have them electronically. not that scarry, because i'd rather have that than merely hardcopies... but je ne sais pas.
work was good. i want more clients to come in the gallery
i love selling, i love the feeling. am such a... exhibitionist is not quite the right word, and narccicist doesn't capture the feeling of adoring the adoration... i need a new word.had some very troubling news about my dad's health today. nothing like cancer... but i hate to see him weighted down with it. I hate for him to feel like he'll be limited the rest of his life, i hope medicine has progressed in the past 20 years. i trust that it can. i want him to have hope.
need to scan in some more photos of the san fran trip, since people seem to like the others. i'm amazed, my personal favorite wasn't among those already scanned in. but just means i get to have it more later. I so seriously want to set my computer up, so i can have photoshop back... i've been inspired lately and had no way to create. sooo sucks.
mmm... oh well. xfiles/dinner time. laterz
devart recovered 2
long day at work. sucky day for sales, and horridly slow, but had some really cool peeps in near closing.
tired, but happy... just missing one thing for this to be a semi-perfect day. Bought Dido's CD, decided for it over Lorenna McKinnet Mask and the Mirror - will get it in a bit. Saw buffy season one for like 35 - i am getting that. Just can't wait for seasons two and three more spike and dru
tired, but happy... just missing one thing for this to be a semi-perfect day. Bought Dido's CD, decided for it over Lorenna McKinnet Mask and the Mirror - will get it in a bit. Saw buffy season one for like 35 - i am getting that. Just can't wait for seasons two and three
more spike and druThursday, April 04, 2002
devart recovered 1
today, the best thing to do during computer lab when i've alredy finished the program is to join here (because some wonderful lovely person directed me here) and see what its like...
life feels too short to waste time in a class that teaches stuff i learned years ago! prereqs so suck... thank goodness the teacher kicks.
prick an ivory finger
see the crimson match the rose
if you watch it from to close
life feels too short to waste time in a class that teaches stuff i learned years ago! prereqs so suck... thank goodness the teacher kicks.
prick an ivory finger
see the crimson match the rose
if you watch it from to close
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