Thursday, September 06, 2001
livejournal recovered 20
12:38 pm - Regret
Regret is an odd thing.
I think 25 is the age of regret. I don't remember ever really regretting anything before 25. In fact, when i was younger, i thought that I would never regret. The last few lines of the Last Unicorn, about regret, have always stuck with me.
But now, I feel regret. Not that I wish I could go back and change things.. but what if things. What if I hadn't told that guy I was tired that night, when he left me at my dorm and went out with another girl that night. I was young, and thought with infinite youthful wisdom that he was only after one thing... which may have been correct, and really I would not have wanted to been her, but what if. Or, I regret that my memories are not clear. I feel tastes of the moods i had when I was in a certain moment, colors and feelings, but part of me wants to go back there, to that purity, that overwhelming emotional time that drove me out here. My life feels so bland, comparatively, now. Safer, of course. And more realistic, and practical. But sometimes I wonder what I bought for myself, if I am going to pay by living in mundania, and recieving nothing but work and more work in return for my bargain.
There are some things you can't say out loud, because they aren't true, even though they feel true at the time. Sometimes I feel like I am the dark side of the moon, like I am living in my shadow self, while my true self is feeling and living and knows the value of things... but me, i miss my freedom, sometimes. Not that it was ever all that I wished it to be, either. For all those sweet times, there were so many more of pain, and hopelessness, and despair - and I know this. In my mind. My heart is just frustrated, and tied, and wishes it could have what it always wanted, wishes it could still have its dreams, even though I have chosen a different path.
Fortunately, it is fighting a losing battle, for even it's cries cannot turn the tide of what I have committed myself to. Only fate could do that. And it is much wiser than I, or my heart.
Regret is an odd thing.
I think 25 is the age of regret. I don't remember ever really regretting anything before 25. In fact, when i was younger, i thought that I would never regret. The last few lines of the Last Unicorn, about regret, have always stuck with me.
But now, I feel regret. Not that I wish I could go back and change things.. but what if things. What if I hadn't told that guy I was tired that night, when he left me at my dorm and went out with another girl that night. I was young, and thought with infinite youthful wisdom that he was only after one thing... which may have been correct, and really I would not have wanted to been her, but what if. Or, I regret that my memories are not clear. I feel tastes of the moods i had when I was in a certain moment, colors and feelings, but part of me wants to go back there, to that purity, that overwhelming emotional time that drove me out here. My life feels so bland, comparatively, now. Safer, of course. And more realistic, and practical. But sometimes I wonder what I bought for myself, if I am going to pay by living in mundania, and recieving nothing but work and more work in return for my bargain.
There are some things you can't say out loud, because they aren't true, even though they feel true at the time. Sometimes I feel like I am the dark side of the moon, like I am living in my shadow self, while my true self is feeling and living and knows the value of things... but me, i miss my freedom, sometimes. Not that it was ever all that I wished it to be, either. For all those sweet times, there were so many more of pain, and hopelessness, and despair - and I know this. In my mind. My heart is just frustrated, and tied, and wishes it could have what it always wanted, wishes it could still have its dreams, even though I have chosen a different path.
Fortunately, it is fighting a losing battle, for even it's cries cannot turn the tide of what I have committed myself to. Only fate could do that. And it is much wiser than I, or my heart.
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