Wednesday, July 25, 2001
livejournal recovered 18
10:06 am - Dreams
I had a dream last night. That's not exactly a strange thing, but it was about me personally. Not now, but the participants were me and jeremy and strangers. And the emotions of one of the strangers haunts me.
I don't remember the particulars, much.
The others in the dream were a couple we knew, and were close with. A woman, and a man - tall, long dark hair, indian, slendar. The man of my dreams, before I knew jeremy. Only he'd never really been in my dreams, if you know what I mean - just what I thought I wanted.
Jeremy was off somewhere, and the woman was as well. I was with the man, and we were someplace outdoors, looking at the rolling hills. He was talking about his relationship and his divorce. We were close friends, and touchy feeling sometimes - nothing intimate or something we wouldn't do in front of anyone else, you know.
Then, that evening, as the sun broke down, I was down about something, I don't know, and was comforting me, and he started kissing me, and kissing on me. It was very strange. I went numb. Felt parilized. Told him no, to stop, and after a few moments he got the message, and then he got upset. Not in the angry male way, the way that involves insults and crude invitations. But a pleading, uncomprehending way. I told him I was sorry, but I was married, Jeremy was my husband. I appologised if I had accedentally led him on. He got mad, and pointed out the Vin stuff. I said yes, but even if I am attracted to someone else, or like someone else.... Jeremy is my husband. I've committed to him. I chose him. He's the only man for me, through good times and bad.
It was very hard. Here was someone who seemed to be the person I'd always wanted - emotionally, spiritually seemed perfectly compatable - and I had to turn him down. Push him away. Withdraw from him. His pleading and hurt still haunt me, right now. But I had made my choice. And it was the right one.
Normally I don't write down my dreams, even if they involve me. I had one the other day where J and I adopted a baby girl like next year, and then had or adopted a baby boy about three or four years after that, and this was placed a couple of years after that, in LA. But that was a fine, comforting, happy dream, where the little girl was probably more comforting and impating and interesting that she would be at that age - though I don't know.
But this one almost felt like something more. It makes me wonder if it's telling me that I am choosing Jeremy over my dreams, and a part of me is mourning that, doesn't understand.
I'm not really giving up my dreams, understand - i'm just working towards them with him, and placing him above getting there now, and trying to work out alternate methods to do this that actively involve him.
But it's still hard. part of me misses that longing, that wanting, that desire. Part of me thinks that type of desire, and emotion, are things i've only held for writing and books and movies - creation and fantasy, and learning. because in a way, that is me exploring the new. That's where I get my high - that's one reason I love feedback on my work - it's discovering the new, discovering how someone interacts with my work.
Things to ponder.
I had a dream last night. That's not exactly a strange thing, but it was about me personally. Not now, but the participants were me and jeremy and strangers. And the emotions of one of the strangers haunts me.
I don't remember the particulars, much.
The others in the dream were a couple we knew, and were close with. A woman, and a man - tall, long dark hair, indian, slendar. The man of my dreams, before I knew jeremy. Only he'd never really been in my dreams, if you know what I mean - just what I thought I wanted.
Jeremy was off somewhere, and the woman was as well. I was with the man, and we were someplace outdoors, looking at the rolling hills. He was talking about his relationship and his divorce. We were close friends, and touchy feeling sometimes - nothing intimate or something we wouldn't do in front of anyone else, you know.
Then, that evening, as the sun broke down, I was down about something, I don't know, and was comforting me, and he started kissing me, and kissing on me. It was very strange. I went numb. Felt parilized. Told him no, to stop, and after a few moments he got the message, and then he got upset. Not in the angry male way, the way that involves insults and crude invitations. But a pleading, uncomprehending way. I told him I was sorry, but I was married, Jeremy was my husband. I appologised if I had accedentally led him on. He got mad, and pointed out the Vin stuff. I said yes, but even if I am attracted to someone else, or like someone else.... Jeremy is my husband. I've committed to him. I chose him. He's the only man for me, through good times and bad.
It was very hard. Here was someone who seemed to be the person I'd always wanted - emotionally, spiritually seemed perfectly compatable - and I had to turn him down. Push him away. Withdraw from him. His pleading and hurt still haunt me, right now. But I had made my choice. And it was the right one.
Normally I don't write down my dreams, even if they involve me. I had one the other day where J and I adopted a baby girl like next year, and then had or adopted a baby boy about three or four years after that, and this was placed a couple of years after that, in LA. But that was a fine, comforting, happy dream, where the little girl was probably more comforting and impating and interesting that she would be at that age - though I don't know.
But this one almost felt like something more. It makes me wonder if it's telling me that I am choosing Jeremy over my dreams, and a part of me is mourning that, doesn't understand.
I'm not really giving up my dreams, understand - i'm just working towards them with him, and placing him above getting there now, and trying to work out alternate methods to do this that actively involve him.
But it's still hard. part of me misses that longing, that wanting, that desire. Part of me thinks that type of desire, and emotion, are things i've only held for writing and books and movies - creation and fantasy, and learning. because in a way, that is me exploring the new. That's where I get my high - that's one reason I love feedback on my work - it's discovering the new, discovering how someone interacts with my work.
Things to ponder.
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