Thursday, June 07, 2001
livejournal recovered 17
3:03 pm - Things seem to be stable, move completed.. Protected
Thank you for your words and thoughts on this situation(my sister... your words balance me, and show me possibilities when i'm beating my head against a wall seeing none. thank you).
To update you, if you're interested...
I spent the weekend with them, spent alot of time one on one with my brother. I then came over tuesday and helped mom finish up with her cleaning and packing. Did you know that they make some refridgerators with a built in little grill thingy in the freezer that you can't remove from the refridgerator, you have to clean it with a toothbrush if you want to get it clean? anyways...
it's hard, because David's my favorite brother, and we love to spend time together.. and it isn't like it's something he's powerless to do something about. he's choosing to act this way. and he does know better, there are times when he just doesn't care.
i guess I do the same thing at times. we're both very independant, and when we feel someone else is telling us what to do, we react badly.
he did great wednesday. my other brother, the one who's 20, threw a fit, complained that my parents didn't treat him like an adult because dad wanted him to load the truck instead of going to get something to eat.. moving is inSANE! but david helped, kept a cool head on his shoulders, his best friend Angelica (the girl he has a semicrush on, one of those things) came over an was a big help! she's very cool. always dating someone else, very cute chick (reminds me of the gal on sinfest, only not so 'active'), is a member of the track team and has worked in a local restaurant for years. We all really like her, but they're basically friends, almost at that know to much about each other stage.
late in the day, david wanted to take a walk with me, so we walked a few blocks to this park I never knew existed (it's like in the middle of a neighborhood, just a plot or two big, tucked away) and sat in the swings and he talked to me about his game. He's dreampt for years about making a video game, he has so many details about it worked out, that's his life's goal. Then we walked back.
I cleaned out the freezer with my mom, and we had some things, like my wedding cake, that needed to be taken to my house. So we loaded them up, and david carried them out to my car, and then said he was going over to a friends, he would be back at 12 or 1. I asked him if he needed to talk to mom and dad first to see if they had anything for him, but he didn't think so and walked off. (you know, writing about real people is kinda boring, isn't it? oh well) So I checked with mom and dad, they were like what? no! he has to drive dad's car in the morning early...so mom and I went out and found him, and told him to be home by 11. i didn't think he would. I thought he was just bsing me, the way he said it. I don't think he meant to when he talked to me...but I called last night and he made it home by the dot at 11.
The move went fine. Mark (20 yr old) had let his registration lapse, so he and dad had to go and get it...which meant getting the muffler replaced...which meant getting another pipe in front of the muffler replaced, and the mechanic didn't have one on hand so he had to fashion it...which lead to another blow up between my dad and mark. but these things pass. heh. all three of us kids are so independant - my parents raised us that way, raised us to be leaders; i'm not sure they knew what they were getting into. Empowering smart kids leads to great people, if those people choose to be great.
so anyways. mom and dad and david and mark are in El Paso, in the new house, David says he loves it and is being very thoughtful. I'm flying down tomorow afternoon. I'm really praying that this change of scenery will let him be able to get past all this junk, it's so heavy on my heart. but things seem to be holding. this is what faith means.
Thank you for your words and thoughts on this situation(my sister... your words balance me, and show me possibilities when i'm beating my head against a wall seeing none. thank you).
To update you, if you're interested...
I spent the weekend with them, spent alot of time one on one with my brother. I then came over tuesday and helped mom finish up with her cleaning and packing. Did you know that they make some refridgerators with a built in little grill thingy in the freezer that you can't remove from the refridgerator, you have to clean it with a toothbrush if you want to get it clean? anyways...
it's hard, because David's my favorite brother, and we love to spend time together.. and it isn't like it's something he's powerless to do something about. he's choosing to act this way. and he does know better, there are times when he just doesn't care.
i guess I do the same thing at times. we're both very independant, and when we feel someone else is telling us what to do, we react badly.
he did great wednesday. my other brother, the one who's 20, threw a fit, complained that my parents didn't treat him like an adult because dad wanted him to load the truck instead of going to get something to eat.. moving is inSANE! but david helped, kept a cool head on his shoulders, his best friend Angelica (the girl he has a semicrush on, one of those things) came over an was a big help! she's very cool. always dating someone else, very cute chick (reminds me of the gal on sinfest, only not so 'active'), is a member of the track team and has worked in a local restaurant for years. We all really like her, but they're basically friends, almost at that know to much about each other stage.
late in the day, david wanted to take a walk with me, so we walked a few blocks to this park I never knew existed (it's like in the middle of a neighborhood, just a plot or two big, tucked away) and sat in the swings and he talked to me about his game. He's dreampt for years about making a video game, he has so many details about it worked out, that's his life's goal. Then we walked back.
I cleaned out the freezer with my mom, and we had some things, like my wedding cake, that needed to be taken to my house. So we loaded them up, and david carried them out to my car, and then said he was going over to a friends, he would be back at 12 or 1. I asked him if he needed to talk to mom and dad first to see if they had anything for him, but he didn't think so and walked off. (you know, writing about real people is kinda boring, isn't it? oh well) So I checked with mom and dad, they were like what? no! he has to drive dad's car in the morning early...so mom and I went out and found him, and told him to be home by 11. i didn't think he would. I thought he was just bsing me, the way he said it. I don't think he meant to when he talked to me...but I called last night and he made it home by the dot at 11.
The move went fine. Mark (20 yr old) had let his registration lapse, so he and dad had to go and get it...which meant getting the muffler replaced...which meant getting another pipe in front of the muffler replaced, and the mechanic didn't have one on hand so he had to fashion it...which lead to another blow up between my dad and mark. but these things pass. heh. all three of us kids are so independant - my parents raised us that way, raised us to be leaders; i'm not sure they knew what they were getting into. Empowering smart kids leads to great people, if those people choose to be great.
so anyways. mom and dad and david and mark are in El Paso, in the new house, David says he loves it and is being very thoughtful. I'm flying down tomorow afternoon. I'm really praying that this change of scenery will let him be able to get past all this junk, it's so heavy on my heart. but things seem to be holding. this is what faith means.
Friday, June 01, 2001
livejournal recovered 16
6:39 pm - how do you hold your pain Protected
i feel sometimes that I hold it in my wrists, and in my palms, and in the insides of my arms. like hidden slashes, scars unshowing.
most of them aren't for me.
i hurt in empathy.
my brother ...why do people push themselves to the edge of insanity? i know the answer to that question. i do it myself, sometimes; only on bad nights now, but i remember earlier times. sometimes I still don't understand that need that makes us push away the people that love us and go after the things that destroy us. I don't understand the rage that catches us up in its grasp and makes us want to tear others apart, so much that we're happy when we're doing it. and then if no one else is around to take it out on we turn it inward. i have a scar on the back of my hand from that, from hurting so bad I wanted to have a physical representation of it...and outward expression of an inward pain. two other times I've gone crazy on myself, one time i raised my hand to the person i love, but realized what I was doing. most of the time i just walk away.
knowing i have it in me doesn't make it make sense. there's so much pain in us, maybe it's always been like this, i know everyones worse pain has been their worse pain. but has it pushed them so hard it almost breaks them, tears their familys apart from the inside out? maybe that's why people thought we needed such strict moral laws. funny thing, in a way i think some would say they're the ones responsible for this pain in our generation. i don't know. i know it has alot to do with people needing so bad to be right that they make it into an us against them even when it comes to blood relations..and both sides aren't completely right.
how do you answer that craziness? how do you answer a man who is pushed so hard that he talks calmly about the fact that his son might kill himself, not because it's acceptable but because he doesn't know what to do anymore, the emotion is drained, worn away by too many lines being crossed.
how do you stand when drugs are "cool" and youthful indiscressions, when you've watched your brother smoke dope - expressing your unhappiness, but feeling he was old enough and responsible enough to make his own descisions - and then find that he's gone even farther down the line? realized he told you he found an old friend ritalin, but you didn't tell your parents, and then find out that he's crushing two bottles worth to sell for money to pay off a shoplifing citation - and then, when your parents interrupted the sale, he goes into the bathroom and snorts lik 120 mg worth, or something large enough not to kill you but to make it dangerous. and then you find out he's taken coke twice. how can you stand by and watch that self destruction, how can you stand to be in the middle like that when you've been in the middle of the drug culture, fringes really, dated an ex dealer, known friends who've done coke - said it wasn't anything special but didn't quit, even when they almost got caught by the cops because they were on it when they had a car accedent. how can you sit in judgement on someone else when no, you've never done it, but you've aided and abetted... and you don't know morally where you stand. because it's so hard to say someone else shouldn't be able to do something - but you see the pain it causes, and the harm, and everything it propagates...nothing good comes from this.
what do you do when your brother has an ulitimatum to either shape up and show remorse, or get his bags packed and move out by tomorow at 6? what do you do when your parents don't want him to be able to come to your house because ..for so many reasons... to make a clean break, to make him make a real choice, not to give him that safty net, not to have you be vulnerable to him if he does go as crazy as he has been..and you know your husband wouldn't want him there, though he would never tell you know if you really wanted something... what do you do when you feel that the pain that echos because of the closeness of your parents is part of the problem, that you've always been able to calm his spirit, that he never slides away from you even when you yell and fight... what would you do if you knew the same deamons inside you. but diluted.
how would you hold this pain.
i feel sometimes that I hold it in my wrists, and in my palms, and in the insides of my arms. like hidden slashes, scars unshowing.
most of them aren't for me.
i hurt in empathy.
my brother ...why do people push themselves to the edge of insanity? i know the answer to that question. i do it myself, sometimes; only on bad nights now, but i remember earlier times. sometimes I still don't understand that need that makes us push away the people that love us and go after the things that destroy us. I don't understand the rage that catches us up in its grasp and makes us want to tear others apart, so much that we're happy when we're doing it. and then if no one else is around to take it out on we turn it inward. i have a scar on the back of my hand from that, from hurting so bad I wanted to have a physical representation of it...and outward expression of an inward pain. two other times I've gone crazy on myself, one time i raised my hand to the person i love, but realized what I was doing. most of the time i just walk away.
knowing i have it in me doesn't make it make sense. there's so much pain in us, maybe it's always been like this, i know everyones worse pain has been their worse pain. but has it pushed them so hard it almost breaks them, tears their familys apart from the inside out? maybe that's why people thought we needed such strict moral laws. funny thing, in a way i think some would say they're the ones responsible for this pain in our generation. i don't know. i know it has alot to do with people needing so bad to be right that they make it into an us against them even when it comes to blood relations..and both sides aren't completely right.
how do you answer that craziness? how do you answer a man who is pushed so hard that he talks calmly about the fact that his son might kill himself, not because it's acceptable but because he doesn't know what to do anymore, the emotion is drained, worn away by too many lines being crossed.
how do you stand when drugs are "cool" and youthful indiscressions, when you've watched your brother smoke dope - expressing your unhappiness, but feeling he was old enough and responsible enough to make his own descisions - and then find that he's gone even farther down the line? realized he told you he found an old friend ritalin, but you didn't tell your parents, and then find out that he's crushing two bottles worth to sell for money to pay off a shoplifing citation - and then, when your parents interrupted the sale, he goes into the bathroom and snorts lik 120 mg worth, or something large enough not to kill you but to make it dangerous. and then you find out he's taken coke twice. how can you stand by and watch that self destruction, how can you stand to be in the middle like that when you've been in the middle of the drug culture, fringes really, dated an ex dealer, known friends who've done coke - said it wasn't anything special but didn't quit, even when they almost got caught by the cops because they were on it when they had a car accedent. how can you sit in judgement on someone else when no, you've never done it, but you've aided and abetted... and you don't know morally where you stand. because it's so hard to say someone else shouldn't be able to do something - but you see the pain it causes, and the harm, and everything it propagates...nothing good comes from this.
what do you do when your brother has an ulitimatum to either shape up and show remorse, or get his bags packed and move out by tomorow at 6? what do you do when your parents don't want him to be able to come to your house because ..for so many reasons... to make a clean break, to make him make a real choice, not to give him that safty net, not to have you be vulnerable to him if he does go as crazy as he has been..and you know your husband wouldn't want him there, though he would never tell you know if you really wanted something... what do you do when you feel that the pain that echos because of the closeness of your parents is part of the problem, that you've always been able to calm his spirit, that he never slides away from you even when you yell and fight... what would you do if you knew the same deamons inside you. but diluted.
how would you hold this pain.
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